


Top Shelf

by Electra_XT



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Fluff, Gen, Humor, Sibling Bonding, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-16
Updated: 2019-05-16
Packaged: 2020-03-06 03:36:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18842815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Electra_XT/pseuds/Electra_XT
Summary: “Nope,” Diego says. “I’m not— that’s a game you play when you’re twelve and you want to find out if your friend has a crush on you. No. I’m going back to bed.”“Ha!” Klaus says. “Ben, I totally called it. He’s afraid to play because he physically can’t turn down a dare.”“What?” Diego says. “No way.”“Then I dare you to come play Truth or Dare with us,” Ben says.





	Top Shelf

**Author's Note:**

> Written for this [ gen prompt ](https://umbrellakink.dreamwidth.org/284.html?thread=250652#cmt250652) on umbrellakink.

The first time he hears the knock at his door, Diego ignores it.

“Should we try again?” Ben’s voice says outside the door.

“No, it always takes him a little while,” Klaus says. “You have to wait for him, which is heartbreakingly ironic when you consider how in training he’s always going on about his _fast reflexes.”_

Diego rolls his eyes at the ceiling. The knock comes again, and Diego punches down his pillow and rolls over.

“Ugh,” Ben says. “Can we just go?”

“Patience,” Klaus says.

Before they can knock a third time, Diego gets out of bed and pads to the door.

“Why,” he says, opening the door and leaning on the doorframe. 

Klaus and Ben are standing in his doorway in matching pajamas like kids in a horror movie. Klaus’s face is lit up with a manic grin. Ben waves.

“What do you need?” Diego says. “It’s midnight.”

“One thirty, actually,” Ben says.

Diego squints. 

“We’re playing Truth or Dare,” Klaus says.

“Am I the dare?” Diego says. “Did you dare each other to come bug me?”

“No, you’re our third participant,” Ben says. “Allison and Luther said no, it’s not like we can get Five, and Vanya’s asleep.” 

“I was asleep,” Diego says.

“Super fun offer,” Ben says, “you’d be an idiot to say no.”

“Nope,” Diego says. “I’m not— that’s a game you play when you’re twelve and you want to find out if your friend has a crush on you. No. I’m going back to bed.”

“Ha!” Klaus says. “Ben, I totally called it. He’s afraid to play because he physically can’t turn down a dare.” 

“What?” Diego says. “No way.”

“Then I dare you to come play Truth or Dare with us,” Ben says.

There’s a pause.

“Mother _fucker,”_ Diego says, letting go of the doorframe. “But if Pogo catches us, I’m blaming you.”

—

“Diego, I dare you to eat a raw egg,” Ben says.

“Lame,” Diego says, kicking his legs over the arm of his chair. The atrium is shadowy in the middle of the night, lofty ceilings unreachable and walls obscured. The moonlight glints off the glass eyes of the taxidermied deer head.

“Are you saying it’s lame because you think it’s lame or are you saying that because you secretly don’t want to do it?” Klaus says. 

“Stop psychoanalyzing me,” Diego says. “I’m saying if that’s what you think a dare is, that’s pathetic.”

“Egg, here,” Ben says, producing it from his pocket. 

“Wait, do you just carry those around?” Klaus says. “Regularly? To feed the—” He mimes tentacles waving from his stomach.

“Ew, no,” Ben says. “I got it from the kitchen ten minutes ago because I knew I was going to dare someone to eat it.”

“Gimme,” Diego says, beckoning at Ben. Ben hands him the egg, and Diego crushes the shell in his hand and swallows the liquid into his mouth.

“Is that it?” Ben says.

Diego wipes his mouth. “Yeah.”

“That was way less climactic than I thought it would be,” Klaus says. “I think Diego’s right, it’s not dare-y enough. It’s the kind of dumb thing he’d pull of his own accord.” 

“Hmm,” Ben says. “I guess you’re right. Klaus, it’s your turn, then.”

Klaus stretches, leaning back on the sofa and surveying the two of them.

“I went already,” Diego says, surreptitiously wiping his egg-covered hand on the edge of the sofa. “It’s gotta be Ben.”

“I concur,” Klaus says. “Hi, Ben.”

“Hi,” Ben says.

“How are you?” Klaus says.

“Please just dare me already,” Ben says.

“I’m thinking.”

Ben edges away from him on the sofa.

“Ben,” Klaus says. He stretches out his leg and pokes Ben with his foot. “I’ve got a… request for you. A mandatory request. A challenge. A dare, as one might call it.”

“What,” Ben says, leaning on the arm of the sofa.

Klaus lifts a long arm and points towards the bar. “I dare you to scamper up there and get us a little something from Dad’s liquor cabinet.”

“Whoa,” Ben says. “Wait, we’ll get in so much trouble.”

“Only if Dad finds out,” Diego says.

“Why me?” Ben says. “Why couldn’t you have dared me to do something normal and left the risky stuff to our resident dumbass?”

“Shh,” Klaus says, reaching out and patting Ben’s face. “You said you wanted better dares. Now are you going to do it or not?”

Ben squints at Klaus, and then eyes Diego.

“I’m with Klaus on this one, bud,” Diego says. “You gotta take the challenge.”

“I hate you,” Ben says, getting up.

“Aww, look at him go,” Klaus says, slinging an arm around Diego as Ben hoists himself up onto the counter and reaches up to open the cabinet. “You know, I have a little suspicion that Ben’s actually the freakiest out of all of us and he just needs our patient guidance to unlock his inner crazy.”

“Get your hands off me,” Diego says, removing Klaus’s arm.

“You know I’m right.”

“Do we want a brown one or a clear one?” Ben says from where he’s kneeling up on the bar. “All of these are in weird glass things with no labels.”

“Ah,” Klaus says. “Decanters.”

“Decanters of what?” Diego says.

“I have no idea,” Klaus says. “Ben said they weren’t labelled.”

“Then why did you just say ‘decanters’?” Diego says.

“It seemed relevant.”

“I’m getting both so Klaus and I can each have one,” Ben says, reaching for the bottles.

“Wait wait wait,” Diego says. “Hold on. You really think I’m not having any?”

“Oh no,” Ben says. “Klaus. I think we dared him.”

“We totally dared him,” Klaus says, wide-eyed.

“Three bottles,” Diego says, leaning back on the sofa. He gives Klaus a smirk. “What?

“I feel like I should let you know that this is a lot of alcohol,” Ben says, closing the cabinet and climbing down from the bar, arms full. “If we drink this all, we’re gonna die.”

“Huh,” Klaus says, looking over as Ben sets the three bottles down on the coffee table. 

“Huh,” Diego says.

They’re quiet for a second.

“I hate to be the voice of reason,” Klaus says, “but we actually might die.”

“Let’s just take the biggest one,” Diego says, picking up an intricately carved glass bottle of amber liquid. “Come on, go before Mom sees us.”

“If she sees us, we can tell her we’re doing one of those old-timey home remedies where you give kids whiskey to fix a toothache,” Klaus says, trotting along behind them. 

“Uh, I’m pretty sure she’d see through that in a hot second,” Diego says. “Given that she actually knows first-aid.”

“Whatever,” Klaus says. “Hedonism needs no reason. Carpe diem, am I right?”

“Actually at this hour it’d be _noctem,”_ Ben says.

“Dumbass on one side, nerd on another, alcohol stolen away from Daddy like a thief in the night,” Klaus says. “This is going be an _excellent_ evening.”

 

—

 

The bottle sits there between the three of them on Ben’s bed like they’re about to sacrifice it to a demon.

“Someone better dare someone to drink this or it’ll be so pathetic,” Klaus says, breaking the silence.

“Fine,” Diego says. “Dare you.”

“Not me,” Klaus says. “One of you.”

“Wow, way to be vague,” Ben says. _“Someone_ better dare _someone.”_

“Why can’t it be you?” Diego says, leaning back on Ben’s pillows. “You scared, Klaus?”

“Literally the opposite of scared,” Klaus says. “That’s the problem, right? It’s not satisfying if it’s me. It’s not the true bildungsroman of underage drinking if it’s me, because I am already… seasoned. You two are fresh-faced little substance virgins and I think it’s adorable and I really, really want to see you try to get drunk.”

“Oof, you’re kind of right,” Ben says. “Diego.”

“Yep,” Diego says, reaching for the decanter. “Aw, man.”

“Are you having second thoughts?” Klaus says, steepling his fingers under his chin. His face is lit up with villainous glee. “Are you going to back down from a dare, Diego? Stay a sober little sunflower forever? Are you—”

“I was just thinking that I wish we’d gotten one of the ones with a cork so I could—” Diego gropes in his pajamas for a knife and twists it in the air. “But this is glass.”

“Oh no, Diego’s missing a chance to show off how macho he is,” Ben says. “What a shame that there’s nothing else he could do at this instant to prove that instead.”

“Screw you,” Diego says, sliding his knife back into his pajama pants. He tugs the stopper out of the bottle and tosses it on the sheets, raising the bottle to his lips. “Cheers.”

“Chug, chug, chug, chug,” Klaus says, hitting his fists on his thighs, “chug chug chug chug—”

“Leave some for the rest of us,” Ben says, swiping the bottle from Diego and taking a sip. Klaus makes a delighted sound and Diego coughs, wiping his mouth.

“Aagh,” Ben says, lowering the bottle.

“It’s not that bad,” Diego says. He coughs. “It’s, you know. It’s got that burn.”

“Yay drinking!” Klaus says. “You know, I am so proud of you guys. It was getting a little awkward being the only rebellious one in this family. Well— never mind. Anyway. How does it feel to be an adult?”

Diego takes another sip.

—

“If I ever pulled an Allison and had a crush on a brother, it would definitely be one of you,” Klaus says.

It’s been a couple hours. The bottle is empty, lying sideways on the bed, and the three of them are sprawled out alongside it. Truth or Dare has long since dissolved and now they’re floating in a tipsy haze, weird and languid, warm and warped. Klaus has his feet up on the wall.

“Which one?” Diego says.

Ben twists his head towards Diego.

“I don’t know,” Klaus says. “It’s an _if.”_

“But you’ve thought about it,” Diego says. “Which one? Me or Ben?”

“Why can’t it be both?” Klaus says. “Or neither.”

“Diego, you competitive fuck,” Ben says. “It’s a compliment. Just take it.”

“I gotta know,” Diego says. He gestures widely at Klaus. “Explain.”

“Well, Luther and Allison are taken,” Klaus says. “And Vanya’s too sad, and Five’s been gone since forever so he doesn’t count, so if you think about it…”

“You mean you got us from process of elimination?” Diego says.

“It’s like you don’t even care about us,” Ben says. 

“Hey, easy, easy,” Klaus says, sliding his feet down off the wall and scrambling into a sitting position. “I didn’t say that.”

“He doesn’t care about us,” Diego repeats, shaking his head.

“Wow, okay, that’s not what I said at all,” Klaus says. “You want me to go into detail?”

“No, Ben’s right, it’s like you don’t even care about us,” Diego says. “It’s like you—”

“Oh, for the love of Christ,” Klaus says. “Diego, you are extremely pretty and even if I had one hundred other hot brothers I would still pick you as my hypothetical incest companion because your lips are to die for, okay? TDF. To die for. Okay?”

“What about me?” Ben says forlornly. “It’s like you don’t even—”

“Stop saying that,” Klaus says, smacking his arm. “Ben. Ben Ben Ben. You totally know that I could have said just one brother and I didn’t, so there you go. You’re pretty too. Okay? Are we all okay? Can we be done with this subject now?”

“You’re the one who brought it up unprompted,” Ben says.

“To die for?” Diego says.

“We’re okay,” Ben says. He nudges Diego. “Okay?”

“I still kinda think it’s a cop-out.”

“You’re a cop-out,” Ben says.

“Take that back,” Diego says. “Ben, you better take that back— get out of my face, Klaus.”

“Holy shit, Diego’s crying,” Klaus reports, sitting back on his heels. “Is this where all your feelings go, Diego? In a little box that only alcohol can open?”

“Klaus,” Diego says. “Fuck. Off.”

“It’s okay, Diego,” Klaus says, ruffling his hair. Diego hisses and Klaus withdraws his hand before Diego can actually knife him. “You know, it’s healthy to let the sad out sometimes. Just… air it all out. You know?”

“I ever tell y’all about the time I realized Mom was a robot?” Diego says, lifting his head up.

“Oh no,” Ben says. “Diego, are you sure you want to get into this right now? Because I’m warning you, buddy, you look like you’re ten seconds away from losing your mind, and—”

“Shut up, Ben, this is a rare chance,” Klaus says, leaning forward. “Keep going. When did you realize Mom was a robot?”

“We were six,” Diego says. “Oh, man, it was so rough. I lost my tooth.”

“Ha!” Klaus says. “I remember that. You lost your mind when Luther lost his teeth before you.”

“I have never seen anyone as happy about anything as I’ve seen Diego happy about losing his tooth,” Ben says.

“Shut up,” Diego says. “So here’s the thing. I bring it to Mom. And I’m like, Dad’s not gonna care, but Mom is going to be so. Proud. So there I am with my tooth in my hand, charging up the stairs in my sock feet, and I skid to a stop in front of— you know where she sits with the paintings?”

“Uh oh,” Klaus says. “Did you see her charging?”

“So I’m like, _Mom!_ And she doesn’t answer. And I’m like, _Mom?”_

“And then you saw the wires,” Ben says. “Oh, no.”

“And then I start to freak out, because what happened to Mom, right? So I go around to the front. And she’s sitting there staring straight ahead and it looks so freaky because it’s her but it’s not her but it’s her, but it’s not her, but it’s—”

“Did you cry?” Klaus says.

“So I was standing there holding my tooth and I was having an existential crisis and Mom wasn’t doing anything! And Pogo wasn’t there, and Dad wasn’t there, and it was just me and my tooth and Mom and her charging station, and I was so freaked out. I started crying. And I was stuttering, and I was like, ‘M-mom? Are you o-o-okay?’ And then Pogo came up behind me and he was like… shit.”

“I bet,” Klaus says. “Wait, he didn’t actually swear, did he?”

“Of course he didn’t swear,” Diego says. “He was real gentle. Took me to my room and sat me down and told me that Dad had made Mom special for us because we needed someone to take care of us, and we were lucky to have her. And I was like. She’s a _robot?”_

“And Pogo was like—” Diego makes his voice lower and slightly British. “Yes, Master Diego, you could say that.”

“And I freaking lost it. I was still holding my tooth in my hand and I was like, fuck, you know? And I curled up in my bed and I was like, don’t come near me. I’m done. Because Mom was the only person who ever treated me like a little kid! She was the only one who treated any of us like fucking kids, you know— Pogo was all _Master Diego_ and Dad was Dad, but Mom was special, and she wasn’t even real.”

“You’re going to make me cry,” Klaus says, wiping at his eyes. “Diego—”

“Making you cry is incredibly easy, Klaus,” Ben says. “I showed you a tube of travel toothpaste once and you buckled.”

“Oh my God,” Klaus says, shutting his eyes. “It was so tiny—”

“Anyway, the point is,” Diego says, “I was absolutely knocked out. And at some point Pogo leaves. And I’m still lying there, and then I hear at my door— _Diego?”_

“Ooh,” Ben says.

“And then— and I’d just calmed down, because no one can be constantly crying—”

Ben looks at Klaus. 

“I started crying again. Hard. And Mom was perfect, of course, she was like, _Diego, what’s wrong? Come here—_ and she sat down on my bed and like, put me in her lap and stuff, and then I kept crying, and she was rocking me, and she said, ‘Use your words, Diego.’ Because she knows that sometimes, when I’m really sad, it’s hard for me to talk? So she tries to get me to— I don’t know why I’m telling you this. But she’s trying to get me to talk. And the thing that my dumb six-year-old ass says is, ‘Are you a robot?’”

“And Mom doesn’t even pause. She pats me on the back. And she says, ‘I’m programmed to be the very best mother I can be, Diego. Easy peasy.’”

“Oh my God,” Klaus says. Ben wipes his eyes.

“Right,” Diego says, “and that’s fucking adorable, right? Mom’s just— she’s Mom. So I start crying, again. By the way, if you ever tell anyone about this, I’ll stab you in the ass. This is top secret. And Mom says, ‘Is there anything else you wanted to tell me?’

“And I dislodge my little hand and I’m like… I lost my tooth.”

“Is that it?” Klaus says.

“Yeah, that’s it,” Diego says, sitting back against the headboard. 

“Aww,” Ben says. 

“Man,” Diego says, rubbing the heel of his hand into his eye, “I can’t believe I’m telling you all this shit. I never talk about this kind of thing.”

“It’s truly a sight to behold,” Klaus says, stretching back on the bed. His pajama shirt rides up, exposing a strip of his stomach. “Does anyone else have any adorable slash heartbreaking childhood secrets they’d like to share, or can we skip to the portion of the evening when we all crash on Ben’s bed and you fight me to the death for the blanket?”

“I’ll get that blanket,” Diego says.

“You won’t.”

“Wait,” Ben says, holding up a hand. He rolls off the bed and crawls over to his desk. “I wanna show you something, but you have to promise not to laugh.”

“I won’t laugh,” Diego says somberly.

“Hand to God,” Klaus says.

“This is just— this is from when we were kids, okay?” Ben says, opening a drawer. He takes out a roll of paper and cradles it to his chest. “So don’t, like… I don’t know. Don’t tease me about it. But do you remember back way before Five left, before Klaus was like _drugs are awesome_ and Allison and Luther started doing their thing? You know how it seemed like we could really be a team?”

“Yeah,” Diego says. “Yeah, I remember.”

“This is us,” Ben says, unfurling the paper. “I didn’t know how the world was gonna end, but I figured there’d be a big monster, right?”

The monster on the page, drawn in crayon, is a vicious swarm of tentacles. Diego and Klaus look at each other. 

“That’s me,” Ben says, pointing at a smaller tentacle monster in the corner. “And Luther’s here.” A blond boy squeezing one of the tentacles with his arms. “And here’s you, Diego, look.” 

A dotted line connects the outstretched arm of a boy in a domino mask to a knife in a tentacle with a dripping stab wound.

“And Allison is Rumoring it,” Ben says, tapping a girl perched by the head of the monster, whispering in its ear. “I put in the speech bubble so you’d know.”

“Hey, what am I doing?” Klaus says, his finger at the bottom of the page. “Am I just, like, dancing? Who are all those other people?”

“You’re doing karate with a ghost army,” Ben says, like it’s obvious. “Where was I? Oh yeah. Five’s here too. Look at his teleporting, it’s blue and spiral-y.”

“And there’s Vanya,” Diego says, looking down at a little girl holding a violin. “Why’s she here?”

“If it were really the end of the world, I feel like she’d be there,” Ben says. “She’s cheering us on. She’s playing cool theme music.”

“Ben,” Klaus says, falling back on the bed next to Diego, “that is the cutest thing I’ve seen in my entire life.”

“It’s just kid stuff,” Ben says.

“Can I look at this?” Diego says. Ben nods and hands it to him. Diego takes it and studies it, running his fingers along the softened edges of the paper.

The room is quiet now. Klaus, for all his bragging, is curled up by the headboard, holding one of Ben’s pillows tight to his chest. Diego and Ben are sitting at the foot of the bed, legs dangling over the edge.

“Can I have it back?” Ben says.

“Oh,” Diego says, blinking. “Yeah, ‘course.”

“I know it’s silly,” Ben says quietly. “But sometimes I miss thinking we could be a real team. All of us together against the apocalypse, remember?”

Diego swallows. The memory is tied up in mixed emotions. Reginald’s orders still reverberate in his ears when he even hears the word _apocalypse._ He feels heavy and warm from the alcohol, but his eyes are steady when he looks up at Ben.

“Yeah,” Diego says. “I remember.”

Ben looks down at the drawing. “I don’t know. I guess it’s too late for that now.”

“’S good,” Diego says, handing it back to Ben. “Don’t worry about that. We got each other, right? Me and you and Klaus, right here.”

Ben looks over his shoulder. “Is Klaus actually asleep?”

“Pretty sure.”

“Why’s he holding the pillow like that?”

“Dude,” Diego says, yawning, “if you’re trying to apply logic to Klaus, it’s too late. Maybe we’re the ones who should be asleep.”

“Fair,” Ben says, getting up and placing the drawing lovingly back on his desk. “Fair. You want me to get the light?”

“Sure,” Diego says, rolling over flat on his back. 

The room goes dark. Diego feels a dip in the mattress as Ben climbs back on next to him, and then all three of them are curled up together, animals in the dark.

“Good night,” Ben says softly.

“G’night,” Diego says, shifting onto his side.

“We’ll be all right,” Ben says, and Diego closes his eyes.

—

Reginald’s glass lands down on the breakfast table with a clink.

“Number Four,” Reginald says. “Remove your eyewear immediately.”

Everyone watches as Klaus slowly takes off his oversized sunglasses and places them on the table.

“Are those my—” Allison starts, but Klaus waves a hand.

“Let’s all be quiet,” he says. “Let’s just have a very gentle breakfast.”

“Seconded,” Ben says, wincing. “Can we please close the curtains?”

Vanya looks up shrewdly. Diego pinches the bridge of his nose. Luther opens his mouth and Klaus gives him a bleary-eyed death stare.

“Wow,” Allison says. “Okay, then.”

“No conversation at meals, Number Three,” Reginald says, picking up his fork.

“Yeah, Number Three,” Diego echoes. He drags a finger across his neck and narrows his eyes at her.

_You are so obvious,_ Allison mouths. Vanya looks back down at her plate and Luther sighs. Klaus glances at the head of the table to make sure Reginald’s not looking before he slides the sunglasses back over his face, and Diego lets a grin creep onto his face as he settles back in his chair.

From the other end of the table, Ben mouths, _Worth it._

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed this, you can reblog its post on [ Tumblr! ](https://electra-xt.tumblr.com/post/184907675281/fic-top-shelf) <3


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